Frustration

Standard
was trying to explain to someone why I have a problem with my biological father- because they asked. When I gave her the explanation down below- I was told ‘so he’s a jerk. no reason to ignore him.’

The tl;dr version is he’s a prick who chose his own life or his family time and again, and that life included verbal abuse and a huge drinking problem, who will not be allowed near me do to his own issues and the problem he has taking responsibility for his own actions.

The long version is after 22 years (We haven’t spoken in nearly 7, as i’ll be 29 this year) of broken promises, lies, and bullshit, I saw his true colors when he was arrested for acts against a child. He didn’t bother to even take responsibility for his actions, he blamed the child. He also blamed my mother for me not wanting to spend any time with him.

I didn’t want to spend time with a man who made promises he never kept and only wanted to see me when it suited him. He had to be bribed to come to my high school graduation. Really. My mom had to tell him she’d pay his gas home for him to come. He wasn’t going to. Choir concerts? Plays? I got more attention and still do from my step family.

the promise to take me to six flags if I pulled my math grade up in 5th grade? He broke it. His younger brother took me and mom that day and paid for everything so I could have fun. The trip to Germany for my high school graduation? I’m still waiting for a job to come about where I can start saving to go- because he ‘forgot’. Again.

I hate people who tell me “I promise” and break it willingly- for no other reason than it suits them. Emergencies and work- are viable reasons.

Then there’s the being invisible unless it suited him. My mom and I joke now, that we were the trophy family. She and I existed when it best suited him- like bowling tournaments or family events. The rest of the time we were treated like we were invisible. My dad wanted a boy and he got me. Now, I’m a tomboy. I’ll work with power tools, I like some sports (though I never played any in school) but I’m not who he wanted.

He never hit me- but he never had to. the verbal insinuations that I wasn’t good enough were and still do- enough to bounce around my head and make me feel inferior. As outgoing as I’d be around my mom, put me in the same room as my biological father from the ages of 4-18 and I’d be quiet. I wouldn’t say more than a handful of words.

I have trust issues and a fair amount come from the relationship I had with him. I don’t take people at their word (which has both proved a valuable skill with some folks and created trouble with others), I don’t accept any compliments well (Though this a combination of bullying in school and being told I was never enough from a parental figure) and I am utterly terrified that I won’t see who someone is (if they’re like him) until it’s too late. My mom stayed with this fool til I was 14- so I’d have both parents. She tried so hard to be both parents for me.

And to tell someone this, someone I trusted (like all of you) and see that it’s not that bad pisses me off. No, I definitely don’t have the worst homelife, especially now with a step family (okay, a step dad and cousins) who accept me for who I am, broken as that sometimes is. I wasn’t physically abused but that doesn’t mean I don’t bear the same scars from it. I self harmed a few times in ways I refuse to mention- but those scars are covered with tattoos now- because I refuse to ever be tempted to do it again.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, other than pure frustration.

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