Frustration

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was trying to explain to someone why I have a problem with my biological father- because they asked. When I gave her the explanation down below- I was told ‘so he’s a jerk. no reason to ignore him.’

The tl;dr version is he’s a prick who chose his own life or his family time and again, and that life included verbal abuse and a huge drinking problem, who will not be allowed near me do to his own issues and the problem he has taking responsibility for his own actions.

The long version is after 22 years (We haven’t spoken in nearly 7, as i’ll be 29 this year) of broken promises, lies, and bullshit, I saw his true colors when he was arrested for acts against a child. He didn’t bother to even take responsibility for his actions, he blamed the child. He also blamed my mother for me not wanting to spend any time with him.

I didn’t want to spend time with a man who made promises he never kept and only wanted to see me when it suited him. He had to be bribed to come to my high school graduation. Really. My mom had to tell him she’d pay his gas home for him to come. He wasn’t going to. Choir concerts? Plays? I got more attention and still do from my step family.

the promise to take me to six flags if I pulled my math grade up in 5th grade? He broke it. His younger brother took me and mom that day and paid for everything so I could have fun. The trip to Germany for my high school graduation? I’m still waiting for a job to come about where I can start saving to go- because he ‘forgot’. Again.

I hate people who tell me “I promise” and break it willingly- for no other reason than it suits them. Emergencies and work- are viable reasons.

Then there’s the being invisible unless it suited him. My mom and I joke now, that we were the trophy family. She and I existed when it best suited him- like bowling tournaments or family events. The rest of the time we were treated like we were invisible. My dad wanted a boy and he got me. Now, I’m a tomboy. I’ll work with power tools, I like some sports (though I never played any in school) but I’m not who he wanted.

He never hit me- but he never had to. the verbal insinuations that I wasn’t good enough were and still do- enough to bounce around my head and make me feel inferior. As outgoing as I’d be around my mom, put me in the same room as my biological father from the ages of 4-18 and I’d be quiet. I wouldn’t say more than a handful of words.

I have trust issues and a fair amount come from the relationship I had with him. I don’t take people at their word (which has both proved a valuable skill with some folks and created trouble with others), I don’t accept any compliments well (Though this a combination of bullying in school and being told I was never enough from a parental figure) and I am utterly terrified that I won’t see who someone is (if they’re like him) until it’s too late. My mom stayed with this fool til I was 14- so I’d have both parents. She tried so hard to be both parents for me.

And to tell someone this, someone I trusted (like all of you) and see that it’s not that bad pisses me off. No, I definitely don’t have the worst homelife, especially now with a step family (okay, a step dad and cousins) who accept me for who I am, broken as that sometimes is. I wasn’t physically abused but that doesn’t mean I don’t bear the same scars from it. I self harmed a few times in ways I refuse to mention- but those scars are covered with tattoos now- because I refuse to ever be tempted to do it again.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, other than pure frustration.

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Life is good

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Well life is decent. I’m nearly finished with my degree (half a year or so left!) and.. I’m engaged to a sweetheart still. He hasn’t given up on me.

I’m still job searching although up til November 7th (My birthday) I’ll be watching a kid until she’s old enough to legally be home alone (And she’ll be fine. She plays games and reads. She’s a good kid, if a bit stubborn about bedtime.)

I’m actively working on crochet and even have a blanket started for Christmas as a bingo prize.

I like how it looks 🙂 Not christmasy but I wanted it to be used year round 🙂
 

Project finished!

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Ignore my awful hair and stuff. 😛 This is the finished blanket. It dips because that yarn is HEAVY. But it’s such a soft warm blanket I don’t care 🙂 It will have a border soon, but overall it’s finished and makes me happy 🙂

Blanket Progress: 4 shades of purple

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On that 4 shades of purple blanket, here is the progress; I’m on the 4th color!

Start of the third color.

More of the third color.

Start of the 4th color.

This is the angle of me working on the blanket.

I love the colors and want to do it again. I’ll have to hit Hobby Lobby.

Done with contests

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Pixel wise. Doll Wise. Craft wise. I’m done.

Because if you’re not popular or use the write graphics, yarn or know the right people, you get fuck all for votes, for any sort of “hey, this is new.”.

The same damn people win all the time. And then to post ‘Don’t be discouraged, I don’t win all the time.” is bullshit.

The past 3 graphic based contests, barring one on a forum, the same doller has won and it was because she had more people than those who entered vote for her on HER forum.

Done. Just done. I’ll make my graphics, my crafts and dolls and just stick to my own corner of the net. Seems better than entering contests for fun and being discouraged at the end.

D&D

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I’ve recently started playing and I’m still getting used to the rules of D&D. But, I love it.
These are excerpts from the past 2 runs (We play bi-weekly). I’m a druid, my name is Solstice. 🙂

Sorc: “Let’s play race the fire!”
Druid: (Sighs) Sure, why not.
Merc: “What’s race the fire?”
Sorc: “I light the building on fire, we go through it and either it collapses after us or on us.”
Merc: (to me) “And you agreed?!”
Druid: “I said he could play race the fire, not that I’d go running in with him.”

GM: (made a skeleton run up to me)
Me: *smashes with Scimitar, makes it take a chunk of damage*
Gm: “Congrats, he’s missing a patella.”

Me: *saying Druid is posed as a batter with her Scimitar* “Batter up!”
(Causes damage to skeleton, enough to kill.)
Me: “Woo Home run!”
GM: “You made him headless.”

(Flying spiders land)
Me: “Oh goodie. Let’s go smash them again.”
Merc: “I call them spats.”
Me: “Great, we can’t kill it, you named them.”

Sorceror after Me (Elf female) and a Drow lady both step up to save him: “Ladies fighting for my affection.”
Me: “Don’t flatter yourself.”

Sorc: (gropes the drow): “I’m gonna say “watch this baby..”
Me: “She’s gonna make you a kabob at the end of this and the merc and I aren’t saving you.”

Skeleton came running at me (Druid).
Me: “Really? You really don’t have a brain.”

GM: “Skeleton stares down Solstice, swings and misses!”
Me: “Been a while since he saw a girl, can’t remember if it’s okay to hit me or not.”

Merc: “A trap door doesn’t mean it’s a trap.”
Me: “It’s in the name!”

Sorc: (upon hearing there are webs, blood and such): “I have a solution, wanna guess what it is?”
Me: “Fire? Like everything else?”

Party: Druid & Sorc fall asleep.
GM: Drow wakes up Druid.
Me: “Huzzah! You only did that cause I can heal.”
 ^ Week 1 (5/20/2015)
———-
Druid: I’m going to read and research.
Merc: You would. Intellectual types all read. (Said sarcastically.)

Druid: Clowns? Really? Why did it have to be clowns?!
Sorc: Clowns are awesome! Better than fire!
Druid: Both can kill!
OOC: Almost referenced Supernatural..

(Disembodied hands start crawling on the floor towards the party!)
Druid: What is that THING?!

GM: The zombie just kind of flails. They stumble, flail and eat brains essentially, not neccesarily in that order.

Sorc: I want it as a pet!
Merc: No! It attacked me, it has to go!
Sorc: You’re a jerk!
Druid: You don’t need it!
Merc: I’ll get you a pet rock.

^Week 2 (6/3/15)