Please stop kicking me while I’m already down. I’ve tried every way to get a job, to be better and it’s a fucking hard struggle to do. Depression makes it really easy to see the mess I’m in, rather literally the mess in my room right now (I’m very disorganized) and not care. I keep saying it’ll be better when Mark’s here but I’m starting to wonder if I’ll really be better.
I will be happier, that’s for sure. But will I be better? I don’t feel connected with people anymore. And I don’t mean not hanging out with them- though that’s true. But I know I’m distancing myself from people, family and friends. I’ll hide upstairs or anywhere else to be away and not interact. I’m not close to anyone anymore, even my mom.
I need some help. Can you please at least give me a viable income? Or something to work out so I can see my other half. I need him. Mark’s the best thing you’ve shown me to and I need to be able to give him a hug and say thank you again. I need to be able to actually hold onto him because I need held back.
All I wanted this year, all I’ve told anyone I want for my birthday, is to go to see Mark over Christmas. I was adamant I’d be able to have a job by this point and I’ve tried. Applied, called back and nothing. I don’t know what to do other than throw my hands up and say fuck it.
This will be the second year I’ve not seen him, and I’m not sure if I can keep the distance from just feeding more into the depression. Because everything we’ve worked over in 9 years on is hard to see when you’re still separated and just want to scream.
Just.. a break. i need one. Let something work out how I need it. Because this constant kicking is frustrating and by god, it fucking hurts.